Do You Cringe When You Hear Yourself? So Do Others

Posted on | February 12, 2014 | No Comments

Do You Cringe When You Hear Yourself – So Do Others I was working with a group that had some collaboration issues. There were complaints that several people were withholding themselves and their contributions and it was creating a drag on progress. Sitting in on one of their daily brainstorming meetings, I spotted several problems. Problem One: One of the woman in the group, and it could easily have been a man in another venue, spoke in a whiny, wistful voice that she may have used when she was six years old and found life unfair. It was grating on me. Problem Two: Unfortunately the content of this woman’s comments were also confrontational. Most of what she had to say was either negatively critical of others, implying that others were not up to the task or had failed even before work was done. Her statements always ended in an up note so she sounded either very sarcastic or condescending. In the individual interviews, I asked her and others about traits I observed. Her response was that she felt she was being supportive, perhaps even coddling others by providing a “motherly” tone of voice. I assured her I didn’t find her effect as she had planned. Problem Three: Either through nervousness or condescension, a man in the group started each comment with a slight laugh. His faux laugh was equally irritating, and he used it each and every time he spoke, which was seldom. In the interview, I told him what I surmised about his speaking style. He was astonished and defensive. Where I saw a judgmental attitude, he claimed to project “I’m just a new guy here” kind of apology to everything he said. He said his manner was one of “I’ve just had a thought about what you said – consider it”. I asked him how often people continued such a conversation and he was long and thoughtful about the lack of response he was getting. I truly sound awful but it’s getting better. I speak too quickly, say too much, and think straight from the heart and less from the brain. Being recorded for both audio and video was a wake-up call. Videos of meetings were informative, because I’d lost the sense of needing a script or speaking for a camera. Try it sometime. You might not like the message you’re sending despite best intentions. Shawn Nichols Shawnnichols.com

If Your Default is Annoyance and Taking A Deep Breath

Posted on | February 11, 2014 | No Comments

If Your Default is Annoyance and Taking A Deep Breath Stepping Up in Your Career Requires Better Health Maintenance I’ve seen it a hundred times: the successful executive who is 30 pounds overweight, sleeps poorly, and slams food and stimulation much too fast. Their response: I’m successful so I must be doing something right. It’s a tough call initially but I can point to many other executives and leaders who have incorporated healthy activities, food, and creative divergent thinking into their lifestyle. Who is to say our leaders might not benefit from a change? Men’s Health has a checklist for you in the March 2014 issue – and there are plenty of others. One of the first questions I ask clients, which comes from my work in mental health, is: When was your last complete physical? This tells me a lot about how someone manages their time, their resources, and sustainable success. Short bursts of activity may move us forward but they deplete our physical and yes, mental and emotional reserves pretty quickly. Ask yourself honestly: What is my patience level like? What do I think it is, and how does it appear to others? If your default is Annoyance and Taking A Deep Breath, you may not be handling stress and frustration well. Further depleting your energy and emotional stores makes you vulnerable to poor decision making, inability to listen to others, and likely to miss important facts. See a doctor, see a trainer, develop a spiritual spot in your day and when possible sit mindlessly in the sunshine listening for the drone of life around you. Shawn Nichols Shawnnichols.com

Are the “new” methods of healing and optimizing so new?

Posted on | January 22, 2014 | No Comments

Are the “new” methods of healing and optimizing so new? We are trying to heal the aggressive push of an over stimulated, hyper-driven society by creating “new” methods of healing. Excuse my bemusement but some of these methods and discoveries were things that parents taught a child many years ago in the dark ages of the 60’s and 70’s. Possibly before and maybe since then as well. “Watch where your walking, do one thing at a time, take a break to clear your mind, go outside and PLAY.” Is this simply creative repackaging or do the “new creators” honestly believe no one thought of or used those techniques before. Is this a mechanism of late, late stage parenting at it’s-the-best-we-can-do school of let’s-fix-this? Let me tell you in grateful, respectful tones about the amazing world of Mindfulness and Meditation. As a new therapist, I was part of the early 00’s movement to teach mindfulness and Dialectical Behavior Therapy to multiply diagnosed individuals while assisting them in providing some long-term sustainable plan for a life change. It worked. It really works. These calming, best-choice making methods brought relief to many living in a large organization where harmony and calming quiet were as mythical as the unicorn. People were freer to consider and effect positive change. But these efforts are healing measures for a major development problem society creates, supports, and rewards! That means we are trying to heal some situation AFTER it has been perpetuated by US. Some schools have shown great success in teaching young children to deal with frustration and overload as part of their education. As a human development researcher I’m both appreciative of their work but concerned that we are not bringing these practices to families. Those who are not already using some level of mindfulness for themselves and their children in the formative years when it would have significant long-term impact do not understand the breathtaking life-long impact on their child. Pushed, a child becomes over anxious, over vigilant, and unable to satisfy their pain even through multiple comfort seeking measures that often end in an addiction of some sort. We stress children by our expectations, whether they live in The Barrio or The Heights. Then we try to address societally-induced anxiety by teaching them to create a mindful atmosphere grabbing for whatever space and peace they can manage. High priced consultants teach executives how to drown out the noise of the system they have built to make effective and strategic decisions. Cures are a big business. But please, let’s address the real cause. Shawn M. Nichols Shawnnichols.com

Cool Seal of Approval despite Being An Adult

Posted on | January 22, 2014 | No Comments

In my 55th year. Since my recent birthday I cry a bit. Not always unhappy tears. Sometimes it’s just the realization that I have made it this far in good health and the world has not ended, the house and family are safe, the world is maddeningly, predictably predictable. My investments were better than most in the financial sense but those investments in people did not always turn out so well. I trusted much, asked little, and more often than not, got exactly what I asked for. Turns out I should have been more specific and maybe more demanding. Crazy people are more interesting in the long run but unreliable from time to time. I was wildly entertained from time to time. The family is somewhat different from the one I was born in. The older generation is almost gone, way too soon. My generation requires UN Peace Keepers and “who is shunning who now” is the major topic of family gatherings. The new family though is wonderful. I am trusted and several younger generations think I’m great. It’s great that younger people think you’re great even when you’re not. It’s like the Cool Seal of Approval even when a fan is four years old and very angry with you for Being An Adult. Did I contribute to society in positive, meaningful ways without any expectation of repayment? Yes, I did and I was repaid handsomely – beyond my dreams, in ways I could not have predicted. I got lots of knowledge from trusting people and I’m richer for that. Is this the last third of my life or the start of the second half? My family lives long in alternating generations – don’t ask. I guess this brings a new set of challenges and joys. Gentlemen, start your engines! Shawn Nichols Shawnnichols.com « go back — keep looking »

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• Dealing with Death’s Vortex
• Assessing Your World View- The Sand Castle
• Enlightenment and Addiction on the Internet: Neural Receptors Ramp Up
• The Perversity of Education
• Saul Bellow’s notion, “Warehouse of Good Intentions”.
• I Walk In Two Worlds But Neither Is Home.
• Talking to yourself? It’s called a soliloquy..
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