Vintners, H. (2001). Aging and the human nervous system.

Check back each week for the series on Aging, as well as other interesting subjects.

Recently a female client in a DBT group I run, wanted to discuss her fascination with abusive sex, mainly receiving it. This was a problem of course, as it began to trigger other female clients in the group.

But her questions were good ones, so after talking through some of the issues with the triggered clients, I started a little research project.

There is an online site called Fetish Life or fetlife.com. It is mostly straight though there are gay members. I was impressed with the level of sharing, articulation and empathy among its member s and it’s FREE! For some members it seemed helpful and empowering to talk about their reasons for taking ‘control mastery’, that is taking control and recreating a sexually traumatic situation from their past.

I highly recommend this site as a place to share thoughts and actions on taboo sexual subjects. It is amazingly well done and the members are quite supportive.

Image Courtesy of Google Images

Shawn Nichols

So I thought I would talk about Procrastination on Tuesday, but I got busy and then Wednesday, stuff came up, like it always does and by Thursday, I was too anxious to settle down so here it is Saturday. What happened to Friday?

Call them tools, coping skills, tricks or fooling yourself. How do we accomplish stuff we have been putting off so long? Two ways that work for me, though usually not at the same time:

Start with the pile directly left or right of your computer. Do it! Okay, so you just put your coffee mug into the dishwasher? Mission accomplished! Sort through the pens, paper clips and rubber bands that never seem to roost in the right place. Dump them! Two jobs done! And you’re picking up speed!

The dry cleaning receipts, that need to be sorted because you think they lost those great shirts you bought in Venice? Tape them to your front door – in fact anything that needs to go outside should be lined up at the door. But you don’t do those now. You WILL grab one or all when you leave the house the next time.

Ah oh! The books for the paper that’s due on Sunday are way far to the right and you’ll never make it to them on time? Move it in closer, but NOT next. We need to finish more brainless stuff before we tackle the bigger stuff……but we’ve already done so much. Your brain doesn’t really know if a task is long or short. Treat all tasks like short ones.

The other game, coping skill or trick I use is to do the smallest and easiest stuff first. Yes, I know your kitchen was never cleaner when you had homework to do and kept putting off. I’m talking about desk stuff – not cleaning the closets, scrubbing the shower or calling your Aunt who has been missing you. Desk stuff!

Usually what I thought would take days took only hours.

Dealing with the blame and guilt that comes from putting things off? We’ll talk about that later.

Image Courtesy of Google Images

Shawn Nichols

Depression can come on suddenly even for people who believe they are bright and cheerful all the time. Every few years, for a few days to several weeks, we sink into a deep dark place. All our domains, love, family, work and school exhaust us and we see no success in any of them. Our energy plummets without the backing of something good, something fun or new to bring us up and out. After several weeks, we start to feel less dried out. We pick up after ourselves, read a book and even think about making some future plans. Looking back we wonder what made us so dismal and unhappy….until the next time.

Shawn Nichols

Recently a woman friend confided the ways she gets a man do to something for her. She’s good looking, very personable, laughs a lot and is independent in many ways.  I was struck by her honesty and the guiltless way she pointed out that when a man wants something from her, he would overlook a lot of difficulty. Some men, she says, actually enjoy it when the task is harder if the goal is in sight.

I asked how her current relationship was going and she said she wasn’t in one. She had not been partnered for a while though past lovers called from time to time for a little mental masturbation.

What’s wrong with saying: I just need you to do this for me? How about, I just need you to listen? These aren’t only issues for women; men pull the prima donna act themselves all the time. In the end, one or both people end up wondering what went wrong. Perhaps they think the other person is mad at them when it’s ‘just a little emotional blackmail’.

Honesty versus games? Who wins in the end?

Shawn Nichols

We ignore the warnings and we avoid the confrontation, knowing all the time, it will just get worse. We isolate.

 Alone in the Wilderness 

 Video, Courtesy of Youtube.com

As our financial situation or our relationships worsen, we cling to old ideas and negative people because the devil we know is better than the one we don’t. We think. We run away.

Image Courtesy of Google Images

In workshops, I ask my clients to become the big brother or sister to themselves. It takes a bit of visual imagery, a lot of practiced thinking but who better to care for ourselves than US!

We tell ourselves it will get done eventually, some time, maybe later, when? I’ve taken many courses in dealing with stress and procrastination. The course that was missing? The one course I REALLY needed?

How to try or do something, possibly screw it up, forgive myself and move on!

I discovered, that I didn’t always screw up, sometimes the effort was better than if I agonized about it, wanted it perfect, waited for the prefect moment, etc. I’ve done more work, accomplished and created more in that half hour before I had to leave the house for some unrelated appointment.

Yeah! That’s right. I had to just GET IT DONE! But wait, until you need to leave the house, the office or the studio. In those last few minutes, you may even finish a task you thought so large it would never get done.

Another thing. A list works well for some people but for some of us, we begin to AVOID the list or the desk.

I’m meeting some friends for dinner now, but I just wrote the outline for a new presentation. It was something I had put off for too long. Now, it’s done.

Shawn M. Nichols

Later, I'll do it later.

What’s happening to my world? I grew up playing on the street, knowing every adult was my friend and could be relied on in times of childhood trouble. My parents made little, we ate well enough and clothes got passed around from cousin to sibling and back. No, my childhood was not a lovely dream. My childhood was filled with abuse and fear, but also love and friendship.

I have started to return to those times in a way that makes sense for me. No more new cars because that’s what my self esteem demands. I won’t shop because it’s on sale. The financial crisis has taken care of that for many of us. A new understanding of psychology has given me the names and terms for conditions I could not have explained earlier. But I know one thing: before life got complicated it wasn’t always easy and yes, I felt dread from time to time. But I ‘fixed’ my problems by emotional grounding, crying to reduce anxiety and asking others for help and assurance. I relied on my connections and tried to work through problems instead of dropping people and situations that were uncomfortable. I want to go back in time.

I will connect more in meaningful ways. I will smile more and praise others more often. Passing in the sidewalk, I will acknowledge others – even if they think I’m crazy.

Shawn M.Nichols, CC

big feet, simple joys

If you have been reading here for a while, you know I tout great resources and books that I find. Some of those reviews appear on my other site www.ShawnNichols.com.

Someone I just met has been making major waves in others’ lives. In a very positive way. Natasha Zaslove at www.nzaslove.com is an Astrologer with a great sense of Intuition and Understanding. A former high-powered attorney (surprise!), she isn’t a fuzzy tambourine banging desert nymph moaning to herself. Her approach is direct and supportive. She lives and heals among the bold scenery of Sedona, Arizona.

I was introduced to her about two weeks ago. She did my chart, showed it to me for about ten minutes while she explained it, and then talked to me for the next three hours as though she had known me all my life. I know, we have all seen or heard about this before. But she was able to place important events, desires, and obstacles in a real perspective. In terms of my future, yes, not all is rosy. What Natasha did for me was discuss and explore my career, education and dreams in a responsible, strategic and do-able light.

She is on my list of must talk to OFTEN. 

Recently a friend lost her husband to a terminal illness. Just before his death, he confessed to her that he had known he was sick for two years. She had only known for three weeks. Now she and her children are hurt and wounded, not understanding what made him act as he did. I can’t say, I had only met him once.

I think we are all concerned about our impact on the world. We wish to make our mark, leave some legacy or leave with people talking about us, both good and bad. Perhaps this man, who walked off quietly disturbing his family as little as possible, wished for them to live their lives without the overwhelming sense of the inevitable. Every last day for him was a picture of normal life. That life could have included arguments, disappointments and simple joys, but it also allowed him to live the balance in relative peace.

We have been told that the grieving process is natural and should be allowed to continue naturally. Grief is personal and takes its own sweet time. In grieving, we cannot make sense of other people’s motives. If those I love had made such a choice, I too would have been hurt and confused. Having heard this man’s story, I hope I will be as strong as he and be able to leave quietly, not waking those around me, allowing their lives to go on with as little pain and worry as possible.

Shawn M. Nichols, CC