Recently a female client in a DBT group I run, wanted to discuss her fascination with abusive sex, mainly receiving it. This was a problem of course, as it began to trigger other female clients in the group.

But her questions were good ones, so after talking through some of the issues with the triggered clients, I started a little research project.

There is an online site called Fetish Life or fetlife.com. It is mostly straight though there are gay members. I was impressed with the level of sharing, articulation and empathy among its member s and it’s FREE! For some members it seemed helpful and empowering to talk about their reasons for taking ‘control mastery’, that is taking control and recreating a sexually traumatic situation from their past.

I highly recommend this site as a place to share thoughts and actions on taboo sexual subjects. It is amazingly well done and the members are quite supportive.

Image Courtesy of Google Images

Shawn Nichols

Depression can come on suddenly even for people who believe they are bright and cheerful all the time. Every few years, for a few days to several weeks, we sink into a deep dark place. All our domains, love, family, work and school exhaust us and we see no success in any of them. Our energy plummets without the backing of something good, something fun or new to bring us up and out. After several weeks, we start to feel less dried out. We pick up after ourselves, read a book and even think about making some future plans. Looking back we wonder what made us so dismal and unhappy….until the next time.

Shawn Nichols

Recently a woman friend confided the ways she gets a man do to something for her. She’s good looking, very personable, laughs a lot and is independent in many ways.  I was struck by her honesty and the guiltless way she pointed out that when a man wants something from her, he would overlook a lot of difficulty. Some men, she says, actually enjoy it when the task is harder if the goal is in sight.

I asked how her current relationship was going and she said she wasn’t in one. She had not been partnered for a while though past lovers called from time to time for a little mental masturbation.

What’s wrong with saying: I just need you to do this for me? How about, I just need you to listen? These aren’t only issues for women; men pull the prima donna act themselves all the time. In the end, one or both people end up wondering what went wrong. Perhaps they think the other person is mad at them when it’s ‘just a little emotional blackmail’.

Honesty versus games? Who wins in the end?

Shawn Nichols

We ignore the warnings and we avoid the confrontation, knowing all the time, it will just get worse. We isolate.

 Alone in the Wilderness 

 Video, Courtesy of Youtube.com

As our financial situation or our relationships worsen, we cling to old ideas and negative people because the devil we know is better than the one we don’t. We think. We run away.

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In workshops, I ask my clients to become the big brother or sister to themselves. It takes a bit of visual imagery, a lot of practiced thinking but who better to care for ourselves than US!

We tell ourselves it will get done eventually, some time, maybe later, when? I’ve taken many courses in dealing with stress and procrastination. The course that was missing? The one course I REALLY needed?

How to try or do something, possibly screw it up, forgive myself and move on!

I discovered, that I didn’t always screw up, sometimes the effort was better than if I agonized about it, wanted it perfect, waited for the prefect moment, etc. I’ve done more work, accomplished and created more in that half hour before I had to leave the house for some unrelated appointment.

Yeah! That’s right. I had to just GET IT DONE! But wait, until you need to leave the house, the office or the studio. In those last few minutes, you may even finish a task you thought so large it would never get done.

Another thing. A list works well for some people but for some of us, we begin to AVOID the list or the desk.

I’m meeting some friends for dinner now, but I just wrote the outline for a new presentation. It was something I had put off for too long. Now, it’s done.

Shawn M. Nichols

Later, I'll do it later.