Help Chat Online.com » Relationships

Talking about the Forbidden

Mother — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 17:29:42 +0000

Recently a female client in a DBT group I run, wanted to discuss her fascination with abusive sex, mainly receiving it. This was a problem of course, as it began to trigger other female clients in the group.

But her questions were good ones, so after talking through some of the issues with the triggered clients, I started a little research project.

There is an online site called Fetish Life or fetlife.com. It is mostly straight though there are gay members. I was impressed with the level of sharing, articulation and empathy among its member s and it’s FREE! For some members it seemed helpful and empowering to talk about their reasons for taking ‘control mastery’, that is taking control and recreating a sexually traumatic situation from their past.

I highly recommend this site as a place to share thoughts and actions on taboo sexual subjects. It is amazingly well done and the members are quite supportive.

Image Courtesy of Google Images

Shawn Nichols

The Dark Fugue

Grandad — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 04:59:07 +0000

Hidden from the world we vent our rage and hurt, Staying in our home and even in our beds for days at a time we realize that nothing is worth it and could linger in this state until someone drags us off. It is relentless, not even minimized by long sleep and each morning makes us feel worse.

Depression can come on suddenly even for people who believe they are bright and cheerful all the time. Every few years, for a few days to several weeks, we sink into a deep dark place. All our domains, love, family, work and school exhaust us and we see no success in any of them. Our energy plummets without the backing of something good, something fun or new to bring us up and out. After several weeks, we start to feel less dried out. We pick up after ourselves, read a book and even think about making some future plans. Looking back we wonder what made us so dismal and unhappy….until the next time.

Shawn Nichols

Sabotaging Our Relationships

Mother — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 19:53:29 +0000

Recently a woman friend confided the ways she gets a man do to something for her. She’s good looking, very personable, laughs a lot and is independent in many ways. I was struck by her honesty and the guiltless way she pointed out that when a man wants something from her, he would overlook a lot of difficulty. Some men, she says, actually enjoy it when the task is harder if the goal is in sight.

I asked how her current relationship was going and she said she wasn’t in one. She had not been partnered for a while though past lovers called from time to time for a little mental masturbation.

What’s wrong with saying: I just need you to do this for me? How about, I just need you to listen? These aren’t only issues for women; men pull the prima donna act themselves all the time. In the end, one or both people end up wondering what went wrong. Perhaps they think the other person is mad at them when it’s ‘just a little emotional blackmail’.

Honesty versus games? Who wins in the end?

Shawn Nichols

Grief and Loss, A Lesson for Me

admin — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 21:04:38 +0000

Recently a friend lost her husband to a terminal illness. Just before his death, he confessed to her that he had known he was sick for two years. She had only known for three weeks. Now she and her children are hurt and wounded, not understanding what made him act as he did. I can’t say, I had only met him once.

I think we are all concerned about our impact on the world. We wish to make our mark, leave some legacy or leave with people talking about us, both good and bad. Perhaps this man, who walked off quietly disturbing his family as little as possible, wished for them to live their lives without the overwhelming sense of the inevitable. Every last day for him was a picture of normal life. That life could have included arguments, disappointments and simple joys, but it also allowed him to live the balance in relative peace.

We have been told that the grieving process is natural and should be allowed to continue naturally. Grief is personal and takes its own sweet time. In grieving, we cannot make sense of other people’s motives. If those I love had made such a choice, I too would have been hurt and confused. Having heard this man’s story, I hope I will be as strong as he and be able to leave quietly, not waking those around me, allowing their lives to go on with as little pain and worry as possible.

Shawn M. Nichols, CC

How do we find comfort when the world is a cold place?

Mother — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 22:34:24 +0000

You feel ALONE. Many people feel alone. Can this a sign of the times? People may reach out in inappropriate ways or allow themselves to be USED by others who exploit this loneliness. How do we keep ourselves safe?Because each individual is unique, we all tend to feel lonely under different conditions. For example, some of us will feel lonely when we are excluded from group activities, others, when we are deprived of building close one-to-one relationships.

Loneliness means to feel:

Excluded from a group.
Unloved by those around you.
Alienated from your surroundings.
There is no one with whom to share your personal concerns and experiences.
That you are alone and have no other choice. You find it difficult to make friends and go beyond mere acquaintance.

Courtesy of Student Affairs-University of Buffalo. FEAR OF BEING ALONE AS FEAR OF NOT BEING ABLE TO CREATE YOUR OWN HAPPINESS ALONE The thought of being all alone in the world is not in itself something to panic about. While some people panic at the thought–others delight at the thought. If you believe that you can take care of your own needs well and be happy even if you are alone, then being alone is nothing to fear. If you believe that you need others to take care of you and “make” you happy, then you are too dependent on others and their absence is something to “panic” about.Courtesy of csulb.edu/~tstevens. [youtube]http://i.ytimg.com/vi/k3tkVoRBSms/default.jpg[/youtube] [youtube]http://i.ytimg.com/vi/bL1EiAyYRVw/default.jpg[/youtube]

We fight loneliness with BAD, BAD, BAD relationships.

Father — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 22:33:52 +0000

Last night, my girlfriends and I went out. I didn’t care what the guy even looked like. I was tired of being alone and tonight was going to be some guys lucky night. The next morning however neither one of us thought that had been true. God, I hate my life!! We thought we hit it off. We talked all night and she held my hand and looked deep into my eyes. Later I found out she was near sighted and trying to look interested while she waited for me to ask her back to my place. Not your best when really lonely?